Bowser's Modern Life
by ThatGuy58
Summary: In a world filled with heroes, pretty boy heroes, waifus and description changes, One man and one boy battle to live their daily lives. A collection of stories focusing on Bowser and Bowser Jr. Now with a new description (again). Current Arc: Ridley (2/3)
1. An average day for King Bowser

**Welcome to this short introduction!**

…**Yeah.**

**It's been quite some months but Super Smash Brothers for 3DS is getting released tonight. (Of course, I'll have to wait before I can actually play but that's neither here nor there.)**

**On the writing front things have been slow unfortunately. Due to a number of problems (Dissatisfaction with my writing thus far, Dr. Mario's reconfirmation and a large amount of retcons that would practically require me to rewrite the first several chapters) I've decided to cancel Adventure Mode. Instead, I have a different a story (that admittedly doesn't have a concrete overall plot) about Roy and Pichu being thrown into a bizarre world.**

**Unfortunately, I'm not sure if we are allowed to write about mods as a certain over the top mod serves as the template for it (albeit, along with the mod's chaotic nature, a variety of other 'interesting' hacks will be referenced). I don't plan for the plot to degenerate, just that there will be a few "What" moments.**

**The Superstar Wars I have a few ideas for (Party Members, fancy whales, turn based battles and more) but I want to write a few chapters of Bowser before I focus on that.**

**I've also considered picking back up Shadow's Super Happy Fun Angst Game of Doom, but that is still low priority unless stated otherwise.**

**As for Bowser's Modern Life, I have a few starting ideas and I'll try to motivate myself to write more like I used to. I plan on doing an adaptation of Classic Mode MK IV but I probably won't seriously work on it until I actually have the game.**

**With all of that out of the way, enjoy the prologue.**

Peach cheered as the world flew by, unable to believe how wonderful her day was turning out to be. She gazed down at the numerous rolling hills from inside the Koopa Clown Car, with the Junior Clown Car, a certain fire pokemon and a wizard on a broomstick nearby.

"Wow, Bowser." She politely complimented her kidnapper. She (and just about everyone else) had gotten use to her constant distress to the point it didn't even faze her anymore. In fact, everyone was surprised when Bowser decided to go simply after the sprixies and take their kingdom that one time. "First you take me out to dinner, and then you take me on a ride. I kinda like you!"

The tyrant's face lifted. Bowser almost felt like jumping out of the Clown Car since he knew he would be able to fly just by joy alone (Despite his black mage job class), cape that he suddenly remembered that he had flowing in the wind.

"As a friend!"

Bowser's face melted off into a state of depression. Literally. It was quite creepy and pity to the poor Goomba to be underneath the Koopa Clown Car at that moment. Red and Charizard couldn't help laughing at how their boss had been friend-zoned yet again. Even Kamek had to hide a gaff or twenty.

"**Shut it! **At least we lost 'Losio' and that other guy sometime back."

"_Oh no you haven't"_ A voice echoed in the distance. Bowser grabbed a Waddle Doo and used it as a periscope. Sure enough, the Mario Bros were right on his tail. This was most likely due to the large tail attached to the Clown Car. It could also be because Bowser had done nothing but fly in circles for the past three hours.

"Time to take drastic measures!" Bowser pressed a button on his dashboard, summoning two Bullet Bill cannons. The sinister weapons locked onto their prey, aimed closely and shot two homing Bills at his pursuers. This did not deter the bros: Mario grabbed and flung the lankier bro towards the Bullet Bills. Luigi then pulled out his mallet and whacked the deadly missiles, redirecting it back towards the Tyrant King.

Unfortunately for the bros and fortunately for the villains, Bowser "Bowsy" Jr. pushed a button on the dashboard of his clown car. The Junior Clown Car's bottom propeller retracted into the car, but another one on a dorsal fin attached to the back of the car emerged. In the bottom propeller's place, a claw wielding a giant mallet with junior's insignia on it appeared, slamming the Bullet Bill away from everyone.

"Nice one son!" Bowser Sr. shouted out. "Now teach Mario and Green Stache a lesson!"

"Gotcha, Dad!" Junior pressed another button and two arms, ending in boxing gloves, erupted from the sides of the smaller clown car, not dissimilar to Bowser's Bullet Bill cannons. Junior flew on the offensive, alternating between punching the ground near Mario and hanging back, shooting fireballs, Mechakoopas and spiked balls from the car's mouth.

With Mario officially distracted, Weegee ran after the elder koopa.

"Don't worry Peach, I'll rescue you!"

"Thanks Green Man!"

Luigi sighed.

"Sorry Luigi, but I'm afraid I can't let you do that!" The man in green noticed a shadow growing around him. He looked up to see not Wolf (*shot*), but Charizard and its Pokémon Trainer, sometimes called Red, hovering overhead. The boy of an unconfirmed age gave a grin, a quick "sorry!" and a command.

"Charizard: Use Flamethrower!"

Charizard, the orange dragon that Red appeared to have control over, gave a menacing roar before a stream of fire, comparable to the Bowser family's ability, flowed out of its mouth. Charizard also flew in a zigzagging manner, making it difficult for poor Luigi to dodge the fire and still keep up with Bowser.

King Bowser's face contorted with joy. With Mario and "Green Stache" out of the picture and the border of the Bowser Badlands looming in the distance, he might actually be able to score for once! Bowser: Eternal B**** to pretty much everyone in the RPGs! He's finally moving up in the world!

"**Bwahahahaha!one!**" Kenny James's fearsome roar erupted from his mouth. "So Peachy Pie, pretty soon it will be just the two of us…" Bowser then pulled out a retro record player and put on the sappiest, most cringe worthy romance music ever recorded in the history of everything prior to the universe's creation. "…I was thinkin' that maybe we could-"

"Sorry Bowser, but I can't do that." Peach said bluntly.

"_**But why!?**_" The Koopa King asked, eyes watering, heart breaking and tissue box drawn.

"Well, you burned down most of Toad Town to get me and you turned most of the Toads you didn't trophify to stone, so I think we should keep our distance. Besides the tournament is coming up soon so I've got some practicing to do. And you know how weird and awkward it would be if we dated…" Peach looked Bowser in the upset eye and nodded before using Peach Bomber. The princess' explosive derriere created such sheer velocity that Bowser could only whimper as he was sent rocketing towards the cosmos.

"Did you see me? I took down Charizard! A fully one hundred percent powered Charizard! _Did you see that?!_"

"Good Job Bro! High five!" Mario and Luigi proceeded to slap their hands together as they stood triumphant over their enemies. Peach sauntered over to them.

"Well done everyone! I say we bake a delicious cake!"

Mario and Luigi were thrilled. Peach's cakes weren't known as the most mouth-watering, spongy, love inducing, pastries in the entire trophyverse for nothing! The trio left for the Mushroom Kingdom, leaving behind the blown up Bowsy and blacked out Red, with equally unconscious Charizard. Silence reigned in the badlands border… at least until Kamek appeared.

"Sorry I'm late everyone, I had to take a trip to the little magician's room. Now where were- **OH MY!**"

**And that's the prologue. Sorry about it being short. This was suppose to be an opener to one of the chapters but the chapter it was suppose to open has a very low priority (along with my constant wandering attention span) And as time approached I felt it makes a decent prologue.**

**(Cont. (Kinda) on next chapter note.)**


	2. Ridley Part 1: The Ridleying

The City of Smashville!

Master Hand looked out of the dimensional gateway leading from his residence (read: Aztec platform in the middle of nowhere) at the city that had the steel parts to host his Smash tournament. Sure the main arena wasn't as cool looking as the midair stadium, and if something goes wrong millions of lives will be at stake, but the free refreshments outweighed everything else.

The godly glove floated in the air with a sense of calmness. Surely, today would be a new, wonderful day and nothing could possibly-

"SCREE-ORK! SNORT! SCREE! SLANDER!"

…Oh no.

A giant, purple space dragon fell in front of Master Hand. It stood on two feet, not as tall as the Master Hand, but still "TOO BIG!" It was

**Ridley!**

Ridley cackled manically, ignoring the damage he so rudely did to the runes on the floor.

"So Master Hand, we meet again. How many times has this been? Nine or twelve?"

"I'm not adding you Ridley."

"Well, that's a shame. Almost as much of a shame as something happing to one of your closest family members…"

"Anything you can do to Crazy has already been done to him. You don't have a leg to stand on."

"Oh really?" Ridley then pulled out a tiny, stuffed, furry glove. "Cause Mr. FluffyBuffy says otherwise!"

Master Hand shrieked with horror upon realizing that his fateful toy was in the hands of that menace. That menace to society!

"No! Don't hurt him! Just tell me what you want!"

The sadistic dragon laughed manically before pulling out a long list of demands.

"Okay, first? Health care. Now as I've noticed, your health care plan does not cover for murderous space pirates. And it's true; my lot has committed several acts of genocide recently. Why, just yesterday I was advancing upon a small child in the burning wreckage of the village, knife and barbecue sauce in hand…"

Suddenly, just as Ridley was about to tell Master Hand the results of his latest act of mass murder, a burning airship flattened the beast, along with Mr. FluffyBuffy. Ivysaur was the first out, followed by Squirtle, Red, Larry, Villager and Bowsy. Bowser Sr. himself came out after that with Peach on his heels. Finally, Mario and Rock fled the fiery vessel. Master Hand was paralyzed with confusion and was promptly roasted alive in the explosion that the others jumped off the platform to escape, constituting a freeze-frame shot in the process.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

**Ridley**

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

**Smashville Milk Bar**

"And I only escaped with a few third degree burns." Bowser proudly finished his tale to King Dedede and Waddle Dee, chugging his milk down with an air of power.

"That's nice Bowz." Dedede said, uninterested as Waddle Dee brought him more milk.

"Now if only I could have prevented Larry and Junior from suffering worst…" Bowser then went into overwork mode, thinking up a version of the story where he and Peach weren't the only ones to avoid getting charbroiled. He had just gotten past the part where he escapes a river of sharks and was describing the part where he got into a motorcycle chase with a giant robot Miley Cyrus (armed, of course, with an even bigger wrecking ball), when he received a tap on the shoulder. Bowser turned around to see Crazy Hand and Ridley.

"How do you do Turtle? I would just like you to know that Master and I have come to an agreement: We shall allow Giant Lizard within the vicinity of the Smash tournament."

Bowser grunted.

An uncomfortable amount of minutes passed.

"And, well… since you took in Red Cap, Flaming Lizard and Animal Crossing Guy…"

Many more uncomfortable minutes passed.

"Take Giant Lizard."

"And why should **I** have to take him?!"

Crazy Hand psyched himself up and put on his best Master Hand impression.

"**HE DID THIS TO ME! HE! DID! THIS! TO! ME!"** Crazy Hand screamed bloody murder for even more uncomfortable minutes. By this point, even the patrons in the restrooms were having panels and one-way glass installed in their stalls just to see what was going on. "At least, that's how he said it."

"…"

"Wait a minute," King Dedede started to ask. "Bowser's story was true right? Then how come Ridley's a-ok?"

Everyone turned to Ridley.

"Osmoses."

"…"

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

**Bowser's Neon Castle**

**Bowser Land**

Bowser looked to everyone hoping they would understand. Kamek adjusted his spectacles.

"Your Gnarleyness, I'm not sure of the ramifications of inviting this 'Ridley' into your castle. It does seem like a rash decision."

Red could not make a comment due to a mask covering up what was left of his face. His Pokemon didn't have a high opinion either; Squirtle and Ivysaur half-heartedly held back a stark raving mad Charizard, hell bent on vengeance for its damaged partner.

"King Dad, I think you might need to figure this one out yourself. Or at least until my skin grows back." Larry admitted to his boss.

"Mr. Bowser, I can't feel my legs." Villager admitted.

Bowser glared at them, before turning towards Bowsy.

"Come on Junior. You'll side with your old man right?"

The Junior Clown Car made an angry face and honking noise on behalf of its owner, whose face was currently stuck in a dazed/beat up position. Bowser frowned and pulled the car behind a corner. After that, the Koopa King sighed.

"Alright kiddo, I know you're upset with me for causing you physical trauma and mental distress. Again."

The clown car confirmed this with a honk.

"But don't worry. Dear old dad'll make it up to you."

The clown car frown was still there but its eyes returned to normal, giving it a slight confused look.

"Nothin' but cookies for an entire month, spending time with Eggman and a pardon from school for all the pranking you could want. And all you have to do is cover me! How does that sound?"

The junior clown car smiled and honked enthusiastically. Bowser chuckled at his "**SUPREME DEAL MAKING SKILLS**". Bowser and Bowsy then fist bumped, a clear sign for Michael Bay to rig up the explosions.

Meanwhile…

Brinstar was quiet as Samus Aran sat, contemplating the horrible news. Her arch nemesis had apparently attempted to hold someone Master Hand was close to (which still confused her as pretty much everything had already been done to Crazy Hand) hostage. Then, something happened, leading to Master Hand getting cooked whilst Ridley somehow escaped with nary a scratch.

Samus still had many questions. Where is Ridley now? What is he up to? How did he survive what-may-or-may-not-have-been an airship crashing on top of him?! Luckily, she may be receiving those answers!

"**WAZZUP!1111111!"**

From Ridley!

Samus turned to face the space pirate who held a stubborn refusal to die. The woman, luckily, remembered to take her stress pills, preventing her from having 'Nam flashbacks. Ridley chuckled.

"So, Ms. Aran. We meet once again. Two beings whose fates are destined to entwine as long as their parent company makes money-"

"You're not competing Ridley."

"_But I've been dieting!_" Ridley cried as he showed off his scary reptile bones. "_I'm not too big! See?!_"

Samus pinched her forehead in frustration.

"Ridley, for the last time; It's not because you're too big. It's because-"

Suddenly, a phone started ringing. Ridley pulled out a Bowser phone and pressed the speaker button. Bowser's voice roared out of it.

"Yo, Bigley. I talked with my crew. You are now a resident of Casa de Bowser. So stop bothering that hot chick, who could probably whoop you and start settin' up!"

Ridley glared at the chozo raised bounty hunter, but suddenly thought of something. Ridley got an idea. A ghastly idea. A horrid, no good, despicable idea.

"Don't worry Samus." Ridley cooed to his nemesis. "I will get into Smash Brothers. And you're going to help me." After that pledge, Bigley flew off into the conveniently located night. Samus looked confused for a moment, wondering just what the pirate meant by "And you're going to help me."

_RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR_

"Okay Bigley," Bowser said as he led Ridley through Bowser's Neon, Flashy, Shiny, Coney Island Disco Palace. "If you're going to staying at my lovely castle, I need to set a few ground rules. Rule 1:" Bowser then pointed outside to Pokemon Trainer Red, scorched face miraculously healed aside from a small Skitty band-aid. "No eating anyone! Unless I tell you to."

Ridley looked appalled.

"You mean I packed all these butcher knives for nothing?! I could have made my famous family stew!" Ridley then leaned in to Bowser. "The secret ingredient is human flesh."

Bowser stared at Ridley before taking a step back.

"Yeah. Anyway, over there…" Bowser pointed to an, also neon decorated, toy block fortress not too far from the main castle. Bowsy's emblem was displayed prominently on it. "…is my son's room. No eating him or any of the other kids that show up around here either." Ridley made an over exaggerated sighing noise and miserably nodded.

"…Finally, no eating the hostages I bring back from the other lands. But you can definitely eat the guys who come to rescue them."

Ridley's eyes flew up from their original position. Will the knives serve their purpose yet?

"You should be up to speed by now. If you need anything, Kamek will be delighted to serve you." Bowser began walking away from his new tenant. Ridley, as soon as he was sure Bowser was out of earshot, began laughing and walking toward a window. He jumped out of it and began flying, heading for the local 'Bowser Land Item Shop: Your one stop shop staffed entirely by unpaid interns!' The murderous space pirate gave an even crueler sinister laugh… until he was struck and grounded by the lightning accompanying that laugh.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The arena was abuzz with pointless talk as Bowser and Ridley entered. The waiting room, still looking as much like a techno-esque Battle Tower as usual, caught Ridley's interest and refused to let it go. Oh how he dreamed of entering this room… and setting it on fire and killing anyone who dared to oppose him! **Bwahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!**

Ignoring all the juicy gossip that was going on around him, Bowser marched over to the receptionist area where one of the Nurse Joys stood.

"Ah, hello Bowser-er, sorry, 'King Bowser: Copyright-Holder-Of-Every-Awsome-Thing-In-The-History-Of-Ever-And-Must-Be-Repaid-As-Such-And-Although-I-Prefer-Payments-In-The-Form-Of-Servitude-(orinthecaseoftheMarioBrothersdeath)-Gold-Is-Certainly-Not-Out-Of-The-Question'"

"Morning Joy. So, when's my next match? My boy's are competing in these tournaments now and I want to show him how his old man holds his own."

"Yeah, about that…"

Bowser looked over to where Joy was now staring with fright. There was a fight on the screen, which everyone in the reception room was now watching and cheering at. Bowser quickly grabbed a clipboard and looked over to the teleporters were in the back.

"**THIS GAME'S WINNER IS…**" Master Hand's voice boomed through the speakers set throughout the room. "**SHIEK!**"

Shortly after that, the teleporters came to life. First, out came Shiek, looking stealthily for snoopy tabloid reporters before heading for the back rooms to escape the building. Next was Ness, who made a beeline for the telephones since he had to stay overnight the night before and thus, it was nearly forty eight hours since he last called his mom. After that, Yoshi emerged, not seriously bothered by his defeat and making his way toward the cafeteria. Last but not least, Bandana Dee came out, dragged King Dedede with him.

"**I was robbed!**" The avian creature called out. R.O.B. looked away from the wall long enough to confirm who said that before going back to his Nam' flashbacks.

Bowser looked back towards his schedule.

"Joy…"

"(Gulp) Yes Bowser?"

"According to this list, I was supposed to have a match with Samus half an hour ago."

"err…"

"**Where is she?!**"

"I-I don't know!" Joy stammered attempting to cool down the fiery koopa. "She came in and appeared to have some sort of sickness. She kept throwing up and was constantly hungry. Soon she asked for a pregnancy test, took it and left in some sort of hurry!"

Bowser still did not look convinced and for a moment, it seemed like he was going to have to go Bugzy style on this chick. Fortunately for Joy, Bowser's anger was deflected by someone entering the room.

Samus Aran entered the lobby in her standard issue power armor. But today was vastly different. She strolled across the room where Ridley was busy thinking about how lovely this room would look with Samus' blood all over it. There, she grabbed the genocidal space pirate by the throat and held him over her head. Then she said something that caused the entire room to stop and stare like the nosey crowd they were.

"Ridley… I don't know how or why you did it but… I'm pragenent."

**Is Samus really pragenent? Will Ridley have to face Full-Life Consequences? Will Bowser ever get to have his match? Find out on: All My Ridleys!**

**Yeah, this chapter was suppose to be much longer, but the date of Super Smash Bros 3DS snuck on me. And since this was the only chapter with something resembling substance (Because apparently, stalking Tumblr roleplay accounts, stalking Gamefaqs (That Wii U board is like a trainwreck… it really is) and Pixiv tags is far more important) I decided to simply upload what I have right now and work on the rest later (also meaning this won't be a oneshot collection anymore. Ah well). **

**See you, hopefully (maybe, probably not) soon.**

**Also, here is a spoiler-filled sneak peak at one of the later chapters:**

"…and that's when you hit them with one of your bombs." Young Link instructed his cat eyed counterpart. The duo were making their way towards the arena where Toon Link would be beamed away to, once again, do battle with various other Nintendo characters. "So remember, always be on the look out for anything that can get the drop on you. Bob-ombs, capsules, redeads, Roy? Pichu?"

The retired smasher and his adoptive pet were staring at something to the left out of some bushes. The two links looked as well and saw Mewtwo who, judging by the fact he looks like he merged with the pavement, has not moved from that spot since the announcement of the new tournament. Next to him was a mailbox with a smiley face on it. And in the very inside, one could make out an envelope with a special seal on it. The seal was of a ball with two intersecting lines on it; the logo of the Super Smash Brothers tournament. This seal, however, had a black seal on it; a clear sign it held details of the final roster inside.

It was a short time later that the prototype was surrounded by his ex co-workers (and Toon Link), holding the envelope in his dripping-with-many-fluids hands. He slowly tore open the envelope and the five read the list.

…

Everybody was silent. The three melee clones began slowly backing away, knowing _exactly_ how Mewtwo was going to react. First, he would explode in an inferno of Hellfire. Then he'd scream "SSSSSAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKUUUUUUUURRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" to the heavens above. Last, but most certainly not least, he would take out his rage on the nearest scapegoats in sight. And if Roy, Young Link and Pichu knew anything, 'clone' was just a code word for scapegoat.

"**Park it.**"

Then again, the thought of simply being murdered quickly was an excellent motivator. The three returned to the sight of the angry experimental pokemon, depressed by the fact that they were not able to get away fast enough. Mewtwo started laughing, making everyone even more uncomfortable.

"Unbelievable." Mewtwo calmly stated. He turned around. "After all this time, one of us finally managed to get back in the tournament… and _of all people_, **it was…"**

**To be continued…**


	3. Breakin 2: Ridley

**Warning: Rather black humor inside:**

"**EEEEEE!"** Princess Peach suddenly appeared, drop kicked Bowser and tackled Samus with all of her might. The two slid across the room, ensuring that everyone who wasn't paying any mind was now forced to turn their attention to this potentially sexy situation. "Samus, why didn't you tell me?! What's the baby's name going to be?! Who's the lucky man?!"

"_There is no lucky man!_" Samus then pushed Peach off of her and dusted off her power armor. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see Captain Falcon."

Peach refused to budge "No way Samus! I'm not exactly sure how you got pregnant, but if it was your choice, you need to accept full life consequences for it! Robin, help me!" And with the help of the female mage, Peach dragged Samus away. Samus shot Ridley a glare that promised complete and utter annihilation for the purple dragon. Despite this Ridley still sighed, seemingly oblivious to the hate waves coming from his rival.

"Sometimes," Ridley said to himself. "I feel like the luckiest guy in the darn world!"

Bowser looked incredulously at him. "You got Samus pregnant! What did you think?!" Everybody in the room stopped gossiping, talking, drinking Diet Dr. Nook and standing around doing nothing and began processing what the previous confrontation meant. Those who didn't flee in horror of the mental images began congratulating Ridley on his great effort. Marth patted him on the back and gave him a special pin to commemorate his soon to be born child (although it (and six more) still had blood on them for some unfathomable reason.). Wario was ranting about how somehow Samus ignores a rich treasure hunter/video game designer like him and instead goes for a hideous space dragon thing.

"Wario feels sorry for you, not knowing what you're missing!" The fat man yelled.

Lastly, Kirby didn't really understand what was going on (or at least for his sake, Pit hoped he didn't) but they still decided to celebrate with balloons. All the while as all this was going on, Ridley had to resist the urge to puke out of disgust. Who was channeling that disgust, it wasn't very clear.

Bowser ignored the celebrations however and instead, went over to Joy's schedule. Ignoring the maid's half hearted attempts to stop him; Bowser penciled himself neatly into the 4:25 slot. Sure Ludwig was suppose to be having a one on one battle with Fox, but if Fox went into that battle not realizing that the King of the Koopas could and will enter himself when he darn well feels like, well tough for him. Unfortunately, fate was not done with Bowser yet…

**PRAGENENTPRAGENENTPRAGENENTPRAGENENTPRAGENENTPRAGEN**

_**Three Horus Llater**_

**THEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTH**

"Bowser!" Bowser put down his copy of "Playgoddess" and looked up to see one horrified Ludwig Von Koopa sprint towards him. Ludwig fell to his knees in horror. "Oh Lord Bowser, it's terrible, so utterly terrible!"

Bowser failed to look convinced and thus shrugged.

Ludwig pointed to his hair in mute horror. The large wind catchers did seem awfully duller for some reason.

"My. Hair Gel. Is. _**Gone!**_"

Iggy provided the appropriate effect via his organ that was randomly sitting in the middle of the room.

Bowser realized what Ludwig was going on about and wilted like a sunflower. Ludwig was a competent solider, an even better musician (or so the internet claimed) but Ludwig's biggest flaw was his showboating. The kid really loved to showboat. So when whatever was needed for his showboating was gone, the boat would no longer show, leaving all the boating fans disappointed.

"Oh, was that what that was?" Ridley came over to the two koopas. "I used it for my famous stew."

"I thought you said your secret ingredient was flesh?"

"It is. My second secret ingredient is Ludwig's Hair Gel: A quality product made only for people with the name Ludwig!" To illustrate his point, Ridley pulled out a can of Ludwig's Hair Gel ("_10/10" ~Ludwig_) and slathered it all over the stew. Seeing his gel used in such a horrific manner, the eldest Koopaling fled the scene in tears, leaving the arena in his airship and locking himself in his office. Bowser stood up, ready to go give an inspiring pep talk that would change Ludwig's mind and leave the duo to duke it out on poor Fox. Then Bowser realized that now he could go one-on-one with Fox. He promptly sat down.

THEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHEBABYTHE

"Robin, do you think Samus is a blue or an orange? I'm trying to find the right outfit for her."

Robin looked at the two dresses that Peach had with a critical eye.

"Orange. No, blue. Definitely blue. And I'm not saying that because of the battle axe that nearly took my head off."

Daisy gave a neutral grunt.

Samus brooded, ignoring Robin's near death injury and thought to herself yet again.

"Why did Ridley get me pregnant? _How_ did Ridley get me pregnant? It makes no sense. I doubt he'd really enjoy doing _that_. In fact, how would he-" Samus cut that tree of thought, dreading the "Ridley-Dragon" biology sex Ed class she was at risk of discovering. Instead she fought the idea by realizing that Ridley's cryptic words (_of doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom)_ were finally fulfilled. Kind of. But how else will his dastardly plan unfold? What monstrous act of pure horror is the giant lizard plan-?

"Samus! Don't just stand there! We need to get you ready for your baby shower! Everyone's going to be there!"

Samus groaned.

JRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJRJR

Fox screamed as Bowser turned around and ran in the other direction. Normally, in Smash Matches, this would be a cause for glee with a little confusion sprinkled in. However, the stage the two animals were in happened to be Balloon Fight: A wrap around stage (you know, unless you're launched) with a few minor platforms. McCloud quickly dodged a dropkick came from behind.

"Come on Fox you pansy! Step it up!"

From the Arena showroom Sonic shook his head in an unapproved manner. That taunt stealing cad.

"I can't!" Fox bemoaned. "The moveset I'm using was meant to counter one of your kids!" And that was true. Because he learned that he would be fighting one of the Koopalings, Fox had chosen customs that would work well against aerial enemies. This would have worked well had it not been for the fact that his opponent had been swapped with a devastating ground fighter.

Bowser channeled Sonic at that moment. "Excuses…" He muttered before charging the vulpine.

The video of Bowser grabbing Fox with a Flying Slam beamed its way into all acceptable video feeds, including one built into the original Junior Clown Car. From there Bowsy watched his dad smash Fox so high he went blasting off again into the sky, giggling as the animal smacked into the screen and stuck there for a while.

"This is delicious!" The bratty prince said as his clown car hovered at a low altitude.

"Err, Junior?"

Bandana Dee pointed down to the angry smashers pursuing the vessel which had a large sack of food underneath. "Shouldn't we be fleeing now? I don't think Metal Sonic can act as a shield/lighting rod any longer" Bandana Dee was referring to the poor robot that was currently hanging from the underside of the Junior Clown Car and tanking all the rage powered hits with his shield. Despite the problems quickly making themselves apparent, Bowsy held up a hand.

"Don't be so hasty." He replied, still watching the screen. "Not until I see Star Nerd pummeled to dust! Which should be any moment now…"

After a particularly brutal Bat Breaker, Fox was blasted into the sides and fully KOed.

"Yes! YES!"

"No! NO!"

Thankfully, Bowsy gunned the engine and the Junior Clown Car flew higher, away from the angry mob swearing vengeance and the trio flew in the direction of Mt Dedede. Waddle Dee and Bowsy began helping Metal Sonic into the Junior Clown Car.

"Are you certain there are no other positions for me to fill?" Metal asked. To none of Metal's surprise, the koopa prince shook his head.

"No way Robo. I need some gold to play at the arcade. And we agreed: You get one fifth more if you act as the shield."

Despite one and one fifth sounding like absolute garbage that did not deserve to grace the bottom of Wario for such abuse, it took half an hour to negotiate that much from Junior and as such Metal Sonic was quite proud to get the (insignificantly puny) lion's share.

"I'm just glad to be out of there." Bandana Dee admitted. "The king will be looking forward to his private lunch today."

The three lifted up the sack in order to see what goodies they hauled in. Inside, Ridley was cutting up goombas for his second famous casserole whilst eating the very last scrap of food. The final, tiny sliver of Ike's meat that was all that was left from the food hoard was tossed onto the space pirate's lower jaw before he noticed his audience. He then flew out of the sack, gave a tip of his top hat and took the sack with him as he flew back to Bowser's Castle, all whilst laughing manically. Everyone except Bowsy was struck speechless.

"Bigleyyougiantlosercomebackherewiththatfoodweworkedhardtostealitandyoujusteatitlikethegrotesquepigyouare*Internal Screaming Noises*"

This quickly became a theme throughout the Bowser household and any affiliated regions as their new guest made himself at home.

"Bowser, Squirtle said that Ridley forced him and Ivysaur to clean some remains of children for dinner tonight. Can you drive us to the nearest Pokemon massage therapist? Sorry, Charizard has three matches tonight."

"King Bowser, I was sitting in my lab, thinking about how to invent a cure for not-pain and tuning my organ when that giant purple creature you have at your castle came around. He asked if he could sample some of my flesh and I happily cut off some of my forearm skin for him to taste. He said it tastes terrible. I am offended. Talk to him and convince him that Iggy flesh is best flesh."

"King Bowser, you gotta talk to that space dragon or whatever it is. I was just sittin in my airship, watchin' '_Manly men doing manly things_' when Mister "_I'm gonna pawn all your stuff" _comes in, takes my mini TV, leaves without a word. So you better talk some sense into him or that thing's head goes over the mantle along with Bonetail or whatever its name was."

"King Bowser, you seriously need to get a grip on your 'guest'. I was just preparing for the next Women of Racing Organization meeting at my castle when that… thing came in and ate all my appetizers! He then said my cooking was terrible, took my jewelry and said that a woman of my looks doesn't deserve it! How can I outdo those 'pure pureness desu!' princesses without my jewelry?!"

"K-King Dad, that giant scary space monster just popped my ball! And he's making Morton speak again! Make him stop!"

"Glorious day King Bowser. I wish I could say the same for myself, but a disturbance has arisen. You see, it would appear that a strange fellow has been sneaking around my residence. You know him. Tall, purple, somewhat murderous…"

"M-MY HAIR! *sob*"

"Dad, you need to get rid of Bigley! He's a pig, he eats everything, including the Chomps and just an hour ago he attempted to eat Larry! Oh, and Villager was complaining about a townsperson getting eaten or something."

"_**Alright**_!" Bowser eventually shouted to his children/teammates. Then he made a passionate speech about how Ridley was important to the infrastructure of this castle and this empire and if they didn't like it, they could go to their own castles where Ridley was less likely to bother them due to the atmosphere. When they pointed out that, at the time, they were in their castles and that all of their castles (san Junior's) were indeed in much brighter happier regions than the Bowser Badlands, Bowser started saying meaningless phrases buried beneath hard to understand metaphors. It worked, as eventually the children dispersed one by one, leaving Bowser to slink back to the couch and watch "Days of our Games", pretending nothing was wrong.

DAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYSDAYS

The next day held a lot of promise for King Dedede. Sure he didn't actually get the brunch that he had waited until three O'clock to receive, but today was a new day: A new day to eat new foods, a new day to think of new ways to outshine Kirby, a new day to-

"Dedede!" Samus called out from the nearby bushes giving the poor bird a heart attack. Samus waited until Dedede stopped believing that she was a waddle dee here to escort him to Final Destination before continuing with the conversation. "I need your help in exposing Ridley and clearing my name."

"Samus?" The bird king asked. "Why are you in the bushes? There's a high quality box right next to you!"

Samus looked and true to Dedede's word, one of Snake's boxes was set up at a perfect spot for jumping someone. Samus stared at the cardboard shield before remembering what she was asking about.

"That's not important right now. What is is that I need help. Peach is planning a baby shower for me and with Robin by her side, I don't have much longer. Ridley's obviously up to something, but no one will believe me for some reason!"

"Are you implying that you and Ridley didn't go to high school?"

Samus shot Dedede a look.

King Dedede shrugged and thought about the situation a bit more. "Well Samus, everyone's gonna be at that baby shower right?"

"Yes…"

"So why not take the wheel and confront him there? I mean, all you need is proof about his plans that he can't deny."

Samus thought about it and nodded. That did seem like a good idea, yes but the problem was that she didn't even know where this plan was headed; how it will go from "Get Samus pregnant" to "Get into Super Smash Brothers." And even if she did, she still had no proof whatsoever as to what Ridley's up to.

"Right. Do you know who Ridley is staying with right now?"

Before Dedede could answer, a large pimpmobile containing Bowser and Ridley drove out of the bushes approximately three feet away from where Dedede was standing.

"And that Bigley, is why I'm not allowed near the Women of Racing Organization." Bowser proudly declared as the Bowser Mobile sped towards the arena. Ridley gave a slight nod. "Anyhow, when we're at the arena, me and Junior-**where's Junior?**" Thankfully, Bowser's worries were (not actually) unfounded as Bowsy emerged from Ridley's jaw.

"Dad. NOW will you get rid of Bigley?"

"I might've if he had actually killed you. As is, I'll just tell him not to eat you again or I'll break his arms off. But, he's still not really mooching off us yet."

"Oh speaking of which," Ridley interrupted. "The girls are throwing me a baby shower/marriage combo to celebrate my little bundle of joy! So the castle's gonna need some redecorating, staring with those hideous statues. Bowser, why did you stop the car?"

The Bowser mobile stood silent as its owner and his son stared at Ridley.

"What did you say 'bout my statues Bigley?" Bowser demanded.

Ridley decided to take this as an invitation to tell Bowser his honest, if slightly brutal opinion.

"Honestly, I think you should just scrap all the artwork you have in your castle Bowser because its all horrible. The statues are ugly, the pictures are literally horrifying, and don't even get me started on those paintings you have strewn up everywhere. You are simply an ugly creature Bowser. It's perfectly and socially acceptable, trust me I know."

As Ridley continued to go on about how monstrously ugly Bowser was, Bowsers Sr. and Jr. looked at each other. Bowser Sr. nodded. The message was clear: Ridley's taste in fine arts was unforgivable. He must be eliminated.

ARTYARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTARTART

Meanwhile in Crazy's Labs, Crazy Hand was working feverishly on something so horrifying that only his Mii army was allowed to see…

(SHRIEK!)

"Scalpel. Scissors. Nail gun. Fantastico!" Crazy Hand lifted up the drap and floated backward to look proudly upon his latest creation. "Rise and shine Master Hand. You look so… bad."

Master Glove grunted in an annoyed fashion before making a series of horrifyingly rude and vengeance filled hand gestures. Crazy Hand waved him down.

"Yeah, yeah I get it. You want to exact horrible, ugly vengeance on all of those who wronged you. Those who made you how you are today. Well guess what!" Crazy Hand moved closer to his counterpart. "…I'm gonna help ya. We'll meet up with our Top Men at the shower and kill everyone there. But first, let me introduce you to…" Crazy Hand then snapped his fingers prompting who to enter the room but-

"Hey Boss!"

Kraid and his gang stood to attention.

**Next Time: Familiar Enemies! More Metroid High School references! Kraid and His Goons!**

**To be concluded…**

_**I'm not too happy with how this chapter turned out admittedly, mainly due to the feeling of rushed plot. In general, one of my problems with writing this arc so far is that I feel I need to introduce the characters in a way (which, now that I have a deviantART account, just became redundant as I could simply upload stuff there. Which I eventually plan on doing.)I may actually go back and edit these chapters into one big chapter. Should I go through with it or leave as is?**_

_**Either way, aside from pacing issues, I don't have too much wrong with it. Next chapter will most likely be better. Speaking of, the next chapter will probably be the last one before I continue with the Superstar Wars. I will be writing something for smash connected with Bowser's Modern Life, but out of fear of actually writing it straight faced and alienating any readers, I feel like it would better as a stand alone. Here are some warnings:**_

_**It's gonna be a crackfic**_

_**It's gonna be crackslash**_

_**One half of the pairing is Junior and if you remember a certain detail about him you'll also know the clue about the second half.**_

_**See you for Ridley Part 3: Dawn of The Ridleys. **_


End file.
